Sorry
by Lololova
Summary: "I was listening to 'Sorry' by Halsey and it made me remember of season 4 of Castle. So I was thinking could u do a one shot based on this music?" - prompt from @ stanaticlover on instagram, THANK YOU FOR THIS!
1. Chapter 1

_Prompt: "I was listening to 'Sorry' by Halsey and it made me remember of season 4 of Castle. So I was thinking could u do a oneshot based on this music?" Thank you for this prompt Melissa, hope you enjoyed my version of your prompt!_

* * *

She'd looked up at him, his eyes so filled with hope and she'd known she didn't deserve that. Just _known_ he shouldn't be anywhere near her. And so she'd lied. She didn't remember. She didn't remember him telling her he loved her. She didn't remember anything other than the gunshot. Everything had gone black. The hope he'd shown when he came into her hospital room had disappeared, and she'd felt her heart ache from something other than the wound. But all hope hadn't been lost and she hadn't really been able to meet his eyes. Couldn't look at him when she knew his blues were looking at her with that same love stricken gaze she'd first then realized was real. She wondered what he'd thought, and she could see the last small hope disappear when she'd said she needed time, that she'd call. She wondered if he deep down knew she wouldn't.

Sitting on the porch of the family cabin she'd fled to she thought back to what she'd done, she'd done that quite a lot. Looking back. During the whole two months she'd been gone now. He'd texted her once, asking if she was okay, and she hadn't answered. He'd managed to go one month without contacting her, and once he'd gotten up courage to do so she hadn't even given him one word back. Two months had passed by since she broke his heart and she was really questioning her actions. She regretted it. She wanted to tell him, but it had gone two months now since the shooting and she didn't dare text or call him. What if he wouldn't forgive her? What if he wouldn't answer? What if he hated her?

"You okay?" Jim Beckett, her dad, asked coming out the door.

"I'm fine, dad," Kate mumbled, for what must've been the millionth time in the two months they'd spent together.

Her dad had taken time off work, wanted to be there for her while she healed, and in the beginning she'd been kind of grateful for it. It had been a hard first couple weeks just staying afloat. But now, she just hated seeing the way his face curled every time she happened to show she was hurting. True, she hated it in the beginning as well but once she was alert enough to see it even when he tried hiding it she had suggested he didn't need to be there anymore, that she was healed enough to take care of herself. No need for him to take out time from work when she could manage on her own. Of course he'd brushed it off, said there was no place he'd rather be, and she believed him. She could see he needed to be close to her in order to stay afloat himself.

"You sure? Looked like you were in pretty deep thought."

Kate looked at him, the gray in his hair having turned even more visible after her shooting. His eyes kept telling her she could talk to him, didn't need to shut down, and she had to look away. Gazing towards the lake in front of them she shook her head.

"I just keep thinking about him."

"Castle?"

She hadn't told him. Hadn't shared the one secret she was dying to get rid off. The one secret she wished she hadn't kept. Glancing to him she could see he didn't seem surprised by her reveal.

"Yeah. Castle."

"Why don't you give him a call?" the suggestion had her eyes meeting his with a sharpness she hadn't intended, and she could see her father staring back at her with gentle blue eyes. Blue eyes that made her think about another pair of blues she could drown in if she had just let down that damn wall inside her.

"I can't, dad. I just... can't."

She felt her eyes start to tear up and she looked at the lake again, trying her best to keep the tears from falling.

"Why is that, Katie?"

Taking deep breaths she suddenly found herself sobbing. It didn't take long before her dad sat down beside her, putting an arm around her shoulders and she didn't fight it. She leaned into his shoulder and sobbed, like she'd done so many times as a kid.

"I was mean. I hurt him. He must hate me."

Her confession was just a whisper. A whisper through the sobs and she was sure the only one hearing her was her father and the wind. She felt his hand rubbing her arm in comfort, gently hugging her as tight as he dared considering her chest wound.

"He doesn't hate you," he whispered into her hair as he kissed her head. "He loves you."

His statement had her pull away and look at him with wide eyes. "You know?" her voice was small and trembling, filled with the sorrow she felt. Had he told her dad? Had he told everyone after that moment in the cemetery? Had he told them what he told her?

"It's obvious from the way he looks at you, and by the way you look at him I'd say you're as in love with him as he is with you," her dad said and Kate felt her jaw fall down.

Was it _that_ obvious? Her father had only met the writer a couple times. Which wasn't enough times to know. It _shouldn't_ be enough times to know. It had been like two or three times?! And one of them had been during the funeral of her captain. The day it all went to hell. The day she'd been shot in the chest. The day the writer had confessed his love for her.

"Look," her dad got her attention back on him, "I know you don't let people in since Johanna... since your mom was killed, but somehow that boy has been with you from the beginning and like it or not but I know you let him in further than anyone else. You told me how you despised him in the beginning, remember? But I could also see in your eyes how refreshing it was to have a challenge, I could slowly see a light that was taken from you that cold night return in your eyes. And at that funeral... I saw the way you looked at him, the way you two looked at each other."

Kate felt her cheeks blush, felt her tears go down the warmth.

"And, I never told you this, but in the waiting room I could see he was hurting as much as I was, if not more. Especially after that Josh said it was all his fault," he mumbled the last part and she felt her heart skip a beat.

"What?" she whimpered, her voice so small.

Her dad nodded and she felt her heart break. Castle had thought it was _his_ fault? He'd thought it was his fault she was laying on the operating table, dying by a bullet that had pierced her chest. _And you just left him_. Her tears were unstoppable and her father pulled her into his embrace again, slowly rocking her body in a try at comfort. Eventually she fell asleep, the exhausting from the new information knocking her out along with the sobs.

Jim continued rocking his little girl even after her sobs stopped and her breathing turned into a deep one, indicating she was out. He continued kissing her head a little now and then. He hated seeing his baby girl hurting, but he also knew this was something that had bothered her for the two months they'd been here. It had surprised him when she told him what was on her mind, especially considering the topic on her mind had been the writer. She'd never been clear on what she thought about her partner, but even after the first time she'd told him about the shadow he had known there would be something more. And when he'd seen them together? It all reminded him of his own marriage, and he knew Castle was in love with her the first time he talked to him. He knew the two shared feelings for each other but none of them had been willing to admit it. Sighing he looked out over the lake, wondered if he should or shouldn't contact the writer. He didn't want to upset his daughter, but at the same time he couldn't continue watching her being so miserable. He decided he'd wait a little while longer because maybe, _just maybe_ , she'd changed her mind after their conversation. But first he'd let her sleep a while longer, maybe she'd sleep better now after opening up.

* * *

Jim had gotten a call the day after she'd let him in on her thoughts. His boss had told them they had an emergency and if he wanted to keep his job he needed to come back. At first Jim had been very unreasonable, said he couldn't just leave his daughter when she still wasn't fully recovered, but Kate had managed to talk him back into it. She'd told him she didn't want to be the reason he lost his job, and that she was recovered enough to take care of herself. She didn't need him anymore to go shopping for example, didn't need him to be able to drive the short distance to the store, she could do that by herself now and besides, she needed the training. After arguing about it he had conceded, knew his daughter had the same stamina her mother did. He'd called back to his work and said he was on his way, that he'd be able to start the next day. When saying goodbye he had been very clear to her that he'd drive back to her in a heartbeat if she needed him, made her promise to call if she needed him.

She didn't need him, she _told_ herself she didn't need him. But _oh god_ was it empty without his presence. Already the day after he'd gone she'd woken up with the same nightmares she'd thought she'd gotten rid off in the beginning. The same nightmares that involved her partner being fast enough and taken the bullet for her. The same nightmares where her almost lover was killed right before her eyes. It'd gotten so bad she'd woken up with sweat covering her body, her heart aching like it had with the bullet piercing through it. It had taken her a full hour to get her breathing back to normal, yet she refused to call her dad. It had been the same way, every morning, for a week before she couldn't handle it any longer. She didn't feel safe, she thought she would but she didn't. And those damn nightmares, they got through to her, made her worry about her former partner. Was he alright? Had they gone after him when they hadn't found her? Did he hate her? She missed him. Missed the way he'd always been able to make her smile no matter how irritated she was with him. Sitting back at the porch again, after yet another panic attack she'd thought she'd left behind, she had pulled up his contact info on her phone. Jumping in and out of the contact app to also look at all those photos he'd taken with her phone when she had been in the bathroom or gone to get a new pen or whenever she'd left him alone at her desk for more than five minutes. He'd taken some serious, some completely foolish pictures, and she'd saved the best ones. At the time she'd thought of keeping them as a blackmail kinda thing if he ever got out of line, but now she was grateful as some of them were the only thing bringing a small smile to her face. God, she missed him. Pulling up his contact info again she let her thumb hover over his number, but she had no intention of actually calling. She was too scared he'd decline her call, or, worse, hang up on her before she could even begin her apology. Two months, one week and three days. That's how long it'd gone since they spoke last, since she told him to give her space, told him she didn't remember. She'd been mean. Lied to him. Hurt him.

"Beckett?" his voice had her jumping in her seat, pulling at her scar, and she stared down at her phone. "Hello? Beckett?" Her thumb must've touched his number after all. "Are you there? Are you okay? Kate!?"

Realizing what she'd done she quickly puts the phone to her ear. "I... I-ah, sorry," she had to force the words out of her mouth, still too shocked to really believe she'd called him.

She could hear him sigh with relief. "Thank god," she heard him mumble and she felt her heart strain against her chest. He'd been worried. He wouldn't be worried unless he still... right? "Are you okay?"

"I-I'm fine," she got out and _shit,_ she was crying. When had the tears even gotten to her eyes?

"What happened? You sure?"

It was so good to hear his voice and she couldn't stop the sobs from leaving her lips. Didn't matter how hard she tried to bite her lip and clench her jaw tight. "No," she sobbed. "I'm sorry, Castle. I'm so s-sorry."

"It's okay, Kate, it's okay," he tried to calm her down and she hated that tone in his voice, it sounded so pained.

As if by simply hearing her cry hurt him. _And why did I call him?!_ She didn't want to hurt him more than she already had. She didn't want him to hurt.

"No, it's not," her voice broke, her sobs slowly stopping with the anger she felt towards herself. "I hurt you. I _hurt_ you. I _lied_ to you. I..." _shouldn't have called you_.

He went silent and she wondered for a slight moment if he had indeed hung up on her. _Might as well have, she wasn't worth him_. But then she could hear his breaths, and she laid down on the small outdoors couch she had been sitting on, she curled into a small ball, hugging her aching chest as she kept the phone in a tight grip to her ear.

"Are you alone?" he suddenly asked, and she felt her lip quivering.

"Yeah, my dad left about a week ago for work," she told him through broken voice.

"Do you need company?"

His voice was gentle, concerned, and she didn't deserve him, she really didn't.

"I don't know if that's a good idea?" It came out more as a question than as a statement.

"Okay then, what do you _want_? Do you _want_ company? Do you _want_ me to drive out to you?" he asked and she was a little taken back by that.

Did he know where she was? Did he know she wasn't at her apartment? "You know where I am?" she asked and she could almost see him silently cursing himself.

"Yeah," he sighed out. "I asked the others if they had heard anything from you, and they told me you probably was at your dad's cabin. Seeing how I went by your apartment, only to check if you were there," he defended himself before she could scold him, not that she'd intended to, "and it was completely dark I figured they must be right."

"Okay," she said and she heard him take in a sharp breath, holding it. "I want the company." _I want you_.

She could hear his sudden movement through the phone and she wondered if he was running around his loft to collect his things.

"Do you want to hang up?" he suddenly asked and she shook her head before she remembered he couldn't see her.

"No, unless you need to focus on your driving," she let out.

"Nope, I'm good," he said and she could hear the smile he was wearing.

They didn't talk much, she mostly listened to him as he breathed and scribbled down a note for Alexis and Martha, at least that's what she supposed he was doing when she heard a pen to paper, and it wasn't until she heard the slam of his car door that she opened her mouth again.

"How have you been?"

She could see the way he would shrug his shoulders before he answered. "I've been good, considering."

"Yeah..."

"But I'm better now, I'm glad you called."

Her cheeks burnt, and she wondered how he could evoke a blush without even trying. She was starting to get tired again, so damn tired these days. It was hell not getting the sleep she needed due to those damn nightmares.

"Tell me what's new?"

"About the case?" he asked and she wrinkled her nose. _Ew, god no._

"About life. I don't want to talk about the case."

"Ah, got it," he said before he started telling her about what had been going on the last few months.

It didn't certainly always have to do with him, or them, but he told her every new thing that had happened in the city they live in. About her boys and her best friend. Also told her about the new captain, how captain Victoria 'Iron' Gates had kicked him out because there was no place for a civilian in _her_ precinct. Kate had chuckled at that, at him being thrown out, but then grumbled about how she already didn't like the sound of her new boss. Castle had continued telling her about how their coffee spot had gotten a makeover compared to how it looked before and Kate was slowly falling asleep to the sound of his voice, the voice she'd missed so much more than she thought was possible. The same voice that had told her he loved her.

* * *

 _A/N: So, there'll be four chapters of this one and I know it goes a little off the prompt after chapter 2, but it was hard for me to stop writing. Managed to keep it to four chapters though, so hope you enjoyed the first chapter and will enjoy the other three as well! I will publish the next chapters Wednesday, Saturday and Monday if nothing comes between me and the publishing these next few days. Love ya, xxxx_


	2. Chapter 2

Castle heard the second her breathing got too heavy to be normal. He couldn't help but feel a little proud at that. She was comfortable with him talking, so comfortable in fact that she'd fallen asleep to his voice. He didn't mind at all, in fact he kept on telling her the things that had happened, just in case she would wake up. Besides he couldn't help but love hearing her breathing, she sounded so peaceful and he couldn't wait to see her. Butterflies kept bubbling up in his belly. _She'd finally called_. It hadn't exactly seemed like it was her intentions but _she had called_. First when he'd seen her name on his display he considered for one second to ignore her, just let her feel the abandonment he'd felt after not hearing from her not even once, but then his heart had skipped a beat. What if she was hurt? What if the reason she was calling him was because she was in danger? What if this was his last chance of hearing her alive? So, he'd answered. At first he'd gotten more and more worried when she didn't say anything, but once she had his relief was immediate. Though he hadn't really understood her first sentence. What was she sorry about, calling him? Something else? Then she'd started crying and that's when he got really worried, Beckett never cried. It wasn't until she'd said that she lied that he'd started connecting it all to her shooting. Did she mean she remembered? Was that why she was crying? What she was apologizing for? She'd also sounded angry. Well, not angry with _him,_ he knew how _that_ , he wondered who she was angry with. He hoped he was going to figure out soon enough, hoped they could talk, _really_ talk. But first he'd make sure she actually felt comfortable having him there. Pulling up at the last road to the cabin he tried calling out her name, wanted to wake her up so she wouldn't get frightened by him coming up the parking.

"Castle?"

Her voice was only a mumble, disoriented, sleepy, and he _so_ _wished_ he could see her face. He could only imagine how adorable non-like Beckett she must look, she'd look more like Kate.

"I'm coming up to the cabin in five minutes," he said with a gentle voice, hoping she wouldn't be panicked about him coming.

"Here?" she yawned and he choked the chuckle before it could slip past his lips.

"Yeah, you called me, remember?" he kept his voice low, gentle.

"Eh, yeah, where're you now?" she mumbled and he felt his lips pull up in a smile as he watched the cabin come into view.

"Pulling up at your drive now."

He heard some shuffling along with a mumbling 'ow' and when he looked up he suddenly saw her appearing from the corner of the porch. He chuckled at the way her hair stood out in some places.

"Hanging up now," he stated as he clicked the button in the wheel to close the call.

He rolled the car into a parking spot and shut off the engine, taking a last glance at her before jumping out he saw her arms crossed under her chest, carefully hugging her body. As he jumped out he hoped to god she hadn't changed her mind about letting him drive to her. He didn't care about taking his bag, didn't want to trespass by looking like he had expected to be sleeping over. Slowly he steered his steps towards the porch, towards her. The closer he got the harder his heart was pounding, and she looked absolutely beautiful. She looked vulnerable, yes, and didn't really resemble the strong, hard minded detective he knew, but _god_ she was beautiful anyway.

"Hi," he said, insecurities imbedded in his voice, and stopped a few feet in front of her, not daring to step any closer.

Kate bit her lip, couldn't believe he had actually driven all the way out there to her. Did that prove he was still... that he felt the same way he'd said he did those months ago? Then again, he shouldn't have come. She would most likely only hurt him more, and if not her then maybe the sniper would get to him and _god she could not let that happen_.

"I... I shouldn't have called," she mumbled without thinking and she saw his whole face go pale. He slowly started backing away and she immediately saw the hurt all over his face, the disappointment. "No, nononononono," she held out one of her hands, as if she was trying to halt him with a stop sign. "I don-Castle!"

She bolted forward when his feet continued to carry him backwards. One would've thought she'd known every bump in the porch she'd visited every summer for fifteen years of her life, but apparently she'd forgotten _that_ _one_ bump and now she was falling. One second she was falling to the ground, letting go of a small surprised yelp, the next she felt his arms under her armpits, pulling her upright.

"Easy, Kate, easy," he chanted and she found herself starting to cry, no matter how much she tried to stop it she just couldn't.

He kept his arms around her, held her close, and she felt herself break down even more. The hurt that she'd once again laid on him along with the pull of her scars when tripping was too great. It overwhelmed her with emotions and she couldn't stop the tears or the sobs from escaping into the open. His arms tightened and his lips found her hair, hushing her in an attempt at soothing her. Somewhere in her mind she wondered if this was how he soothed Alexis when she was a kid and had hurt herself. Hesitantly she let her arms go around him, her face finding the crop of his neck fit perfectly.

"'M sorry, 'm so sorry." Her mumbles where muffled in his neck but she was sure he could hear her anyway, she was too close to his ear for him not to hear. "Didn't mean to... not good to you. I hurt you," she sobbed and she was just waiting for him to push her away, to keep walking away from her because there was no way he wanted to stay now that he'd seen how broken she was. No way he still loved her.

He sighed, his hot breath a small wind to her hair and she couldn't control her body, the shiver going down her spine entirely because of him.

"Come on, let's sit down," he mumbled in her hair and started pulling her with him as he moved towards the couch on the porch, the same one she'd fallen asleep in while listening to his voice.

To her surprise he sat down and pulled her down to sit right next to him, his arm landing with a secure embrace around her shoulders to cuddle her into his side. She knew this wasn't a good idea, to get a feel of what could've been if it were not for her broken parts, because he shouldn't be with her. He deserved so much better than her.

"Shh, take your time, then tell me everything," he whispered and she did.

She took the time she needed to calm down, her sobs turning into sniffs which soon led to silence. Well, not _complete_ silence, they could still hear each other's breathing as clear as day.

"You were right. I hide in relationships with men I don't love, and the one man I do... I hurt." She had to pause to take another deep breath. "People around me dies, Castle. Either that or they get hurt. I hurt them. I've got a wall, inside me, and I never let anyone in, never let anyone break it down. That's why I run every time it gets real, gets too close. It's why I never let my relationships go too far. The wall-" she had to pause again, opening up was really taking a pull on her. To her surprise Castle sat still, silent, listening to her words like they were some sweet melody, and she wondered how he hadn't left yet. "It's been there since my mom... I never wanted to hurt like that again. Only I never knew that by protecting myself, I could hurt others. I never thought anyone could ever really fall in love with me, never thought anyone could see my damaged goods and still stay with me. And, I'm even more broken now," she only whispered the last part.

They stayed quiet for what felt like an eternity. Kate was letting silent tears roll down her cheeks, she was just waiting for the moment he would leave. Waiting for him to push her away from his comfortable body and walk to his car, drive away to never talk to her ever again. She didn't dare pull away enough to search his eyes, his perfect blues, scared that would result in him leaving sooner. And so she closed her eyes, seeing his in the back of her mind. He'd always looked at her in a way that made her heart skip a beat. He laid his eyes on her like no one else had ever done, like no one else ever would. He'd seen her break down, in her apartment, only days before everything went to hell, and even then he'd looked at her like that. At least until she'd seen the hurt, the anger it had triggered because she supposedly didn't care about what the case did to the people who loved her. She'd put him on the spot there, asked what about him, but he hadn't told her then. He'd, out of respect of her and the wall he knew nothing about, refused to tell her he loved her. But when she laid there on the grass, a bullet inside her, he had told her. He'd told her he loved her because he wanted to give her something to fight for, and he had no idea how that had been the only thing she'd managed to hold on to. His declaration of love had been the one thing that kept her fighting. And she'd driven him away the first thing she did when she woke up, he didn't love her anymore. He _shouldn't_ love her anymore.

"I do."

His strong voice broke the silence and she immediately opened her eyes wide. No matter how much she wanted to stay close to him she pulled away to look at him. His eyes were set on hers, his blues looking at her the way only he could.

"What?" she whimpered out the shock, the confusing evident in her eyes and face.

"I love you. I could never stop loving you because of the things you've gone through." He paused before his gaze turned even softer. "If anything it only makes you stronger. You're extraordinary."

Her eyes was watering again and she was too surprised to react when his hand landed on her cheek, wiping away the tears before they could go too far down.

"But... I hurt you, I-I'm not good at-you shouldn't- I don't deserve you," she stumbled across her words, didn't know which thought to say first, didn't know what to say to make him understand he could be in danger if he stayed with her.

"I still love you, Kate. It's not something that will just disappear," he said and when she was about to say it would if he just let her go he added, "it's too deep. I've never felt like this."

She looked down, biting her lower lip as she tried not to cry again. His thumb stroke her cheek, wiping away the tear that managed to escape, and continued stroking in a calming manner. Without really meaning to she leaned into his touch, it was the most comforting one she'd been close to, except for her dad then but that was a different kind of comfort.

"But it could get you killed," she mumbled through her barely parted lips, not really wanting to put it out there but needing him to know so he could run before it was too late.

"I don't care, besides, we're partners. You protect me, I protect you."

She shook her head, "That's not your job, you didn't sign up for this, I did."

"I did sign, remember?" he said and she looked at him with narrowed and confused eyes, her mouth slightly open in question. His voice suddenly dropped a tone or two as if he was trying to impersonate anyone. "'Mr. Castle, be advised, if you get injured following Detective Beckett to research your next novel, you cannot sue the city. If you get shot, you cannot sue the city. If you get killed,' well, my lifeless remains cannot sue the city," he quoted and she gaped at him.

"You remember that word for word?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Of course! It was one of the first moments I had with you,"

"Anyway, I'm the one with the gun."

"Not at the moment. You won't get it back until you're back at work," he said with a small flicker of pride in his eyes and she would _so_ shoot whoever told him that. "Anyway, I won't go anywhere, unless you convince me you don't feel the same for me, or doesn't want me as your partner anymore." His blue eyes reeled her in and kept her there, waiting for her to either lie again or tell the truth they both knew. Because of course he knew already, she wouldn't be this worked up and broken for hurting him if it wasn't.

"I..." she bit her lip, looking into those soft eyes she wished she could drown in them every day. "I c-can't say it, not yet. I'm too..." she took a small break in order to draw in a short breath to be able to let go of the last word on the exhale, "broken."

He shook his head with the gentle eyes of his landing on her with a small, reassuring upturn of his lips. "That's all I need to hear right now. I'll wait, I'll give you time," his tone was a soothing one now and she felt her insides warm up.

She didn't hesitate to lean her head back to his shoulder, feeling his warm hand around her shoulders and she snuggled closer into him. His scent was so much better than she thought it would and it immediately calmed the fear in her heart. The fear of him getting hurt. She was still worried but right now all she wanted to do was being close to him, that was probably the reason she'd called him in the first place. She needed his comfort. She needed him.

"Thanks, Rick."

He shifted a little, as if he was surprised by her. If it was her thanking him or her using his first name she had no clue. "Always, Kate."

She smiled at that, smiled at the promise the two of them kept only between them. They sat in silence for a long time, looking out at the lake, and Kate started to wonder if she shouldn't offer dinner soon but at the same time she was way too comfortable for wanting to move from his side. It felt so good to finally succumb to the embrace of her partner, finally having releasing the truth. It was also reassuring to hear him confirm his feelings once again. When she'd woken up she hadn't really believed him, had never really thought someone could fall in love with her for real. She'd been broken long before the gun shot, she'd been broken since the day she and her dad came home to see detective Raglan standing at their doorstep.

"How are you? Does it hurt much?" he broke the silence, though she could hear he was hesitant and didn't really want to disturb the beautiful silence.

"Sometimes," she answered honestly. "I mean, it's getting better, but it still pulls in my scar. And nights are the worst due to the cold that comes with some rainy days. I have nightmares too, so I don't really get that much sleep." It all just came rushing out, a big relief entering her body, as if a big burden had been lifted from her shoulders. She hadn't realized she'd needed to tell anyone about it all. Sure, she'd told her dad, but not too much since she didn't want to worry him. She didn't want him to fall back into old, bad habits.

"Mmm," he hummed, thinking for a few seconds before he said, "I have them too... the nightmares, I mean."

She hummed too, she could definitely understand that. He'd watched her die right in front of his eyes, had seen the life leave her eyes. "I'm sorry about that, you never should've been in the crosshairs."

There was a small pause, as if he was debating wether to answer her comment or not. She heard him take a deep breath before he opened his mouth. "It's not me I dream being hurt."

She bit her lip, "Yeah, I know, it's often not me in my dreams either." She felt his eyes land on her at her confession and it surprised her when his lips were suddenly in her hair, kissing her in a small comfortable manner. "We should probably eat, 'cause you're staying, right?"

"If I'm allowed," he said with a small hesitation in his voice.

"Definitely."

It took them another five minutes of complete silence before any of them made any indications of moving. Once they did though it was Kate standing first, reaching out her hand towards her partner for him to take. She was the one to lead him into the cabin, she excused herself for the small mess all over the place and when she opened the fridge she excused how little food they had. Castle said it was alright, that he didn't care if they so much as ate toast. Which in the end was the only thing Kate could really make with the small pain she had in her chest, and she was very determined not to let him, who was _her guest_ , make the dinner. She actually shooed him out of the kitchen because he kept trying to help her, and if it hadn't been for the situation of him having missed her for two months and the fact that her scar pulled, he would've laughed at her persistence. Instead he decided to go snooping around, he figured she hadn't thought of that risk when she shooed him out and he was _so_ going to take advantage of it. He started with the living room, looking around for the whole of it before going to the bookshelves on the walls to look at the pictures standing in frames. Most of the pictures seemed to be taken before her mother died which, to his delight, showed off her as a younger girl. There was pictures of her in a toddler form, chasing bubbles and he couldn't stop the chuckle at how happy and innocent she looked. There was another when she must've been eight years old, her big grin missing two teeth as she was dressed into a pirate. He could only imagine her stubborn little self saying there was no way she'd be a princess because she was a whole lot tougher than one. He skimmed through more pictures, some of her alone and some of her with her parents, some he even suspected was of her with her grandparents. He stopped at what looked to be one of the last family pictures taken before the trio turned into a duo. He carefully picked up the frame, looking at how happy the three people looked, how at peace they were, none of them knowing they'd soon be ripped of their happiness. It was Kate before that sad glimpse entered her beautiful hazel-green eyes. He fought the water that suddenly invaded his own blues, a small tear fighting back to slowly glide down his cheek.

"It was taken two weeks before she died."

He jumped at the sound of her voice, hadn't heard her walking into the living room, and turned around to look at her. Her own eyes were glittering with the liquid of her own, but her lips were pulled up into a small smile.

"My aunt took that picture at one of the family gatherings we used to have before it all crashed. We had just gotten the news about one of my oldest cousins being pregnant and mom kept teasing me and dad how it would've been great to have a little one in our family soon too. Dad cringed at the thought of me getting pregnant, I was still his little girl and according to him I was too young at nineteen, which I obviously agreed with. Mom kept teasing me though, saying she would love to meet her grandkids one day, she said she didn't want me to wait for too long," her voice choked up as he saw the tears once again leave her eyes. "We all laughed at it when we came home, because of course mom understood I was too young, but it was just..."

He waited for her to continue but once she covered her mouth and nose with her hand in order to get her tears in check, looking up at the ceiling, he understood she wouldn't.

"It was a family moment," he ended for her instead and she met his eyes, nodding.

"And now she'll never meet... she'll never get the chance to see me pregnant, or even see me walk down the aisle," she said with a thick voice and he couldn't stay away anymore.

He put the frame back to its place on the bookshelf and took the few steps in between them in order to hold out his arms in an offer. To his delight she didn't even hesitate this time, just stepped into his arms and let him hug her.

"She will though, wherever she is, she'll watch over you."

He felt her hands grip his shirt at his spine and she nodded as she hugged him harder, tighter. They stood like that for a few minutes, until Kate remembered the toast that waited for them in the kitchen.


	3. Chapter 3

Castle woke with a pounding heart and a heaving breath. He rose to a sitting position in Jim Beckett's bed in order to try and slow down his heart rate by trying to slow down his breathing. He couldn't stop thinking about the nightmare though. Kate had once again been shot, but this time she'd died in front of his eyes and not come back. It hadn't been the ambulance driving her away but a hearse, actually the same one Montgomery had come in at the beginning of the funeral. When he finally started to come around, his heart slowing down, he put his face in his hands and felt a small shock enter his mind as his fingers came in contact with something wet. _Was he crying?_ Oh, he was. He took in a deep breath and started to wipe away the tears he must've let slipped during the nightmare. He looked around in the room, tried to remind himself she was indeed alive because otherwise there had been no reason for him to be sleeping in her father's cabin, in the man's bed. He _had_ suggested he could simply take the couch but Kate had insisted on him taking her father's bed, had said it was stupid of them to ignore a perfectly fine bed and that there was no reason for him to get back ache for visiting her.

"She _is_ okay," he mumbled for himself, trying to convince himself not to go check on her.

His fingers kept itching, itching to pull off the cover to jump off the bed and run to her room, making sure she's okay. _Because she_ is _okay!_ She was! Unless...

"No, no, no. You're being ridiculous," he told himself.

There was _no way_ someone had broken into the cabin and killed her without him knowing. He would've heard, wouldn't he? She was as paranoid as him, right? So, if someone broke in at least one of them would've sounded an alarm, right? _Right?_

He huffed, cursing himself for being so damn frightened by everything, and threw off the cover. It didn't take long before he had reached his bedroom door and slowly opened it, silently praying the old cabin didn't make too much noise. There was no way he wanted to wake up Kate, he didn't want to scare her in case she'd forgotten he was there and therefore thought he was an intruder. Walking down the small distance between himself and the bedroom door which would lead to her, he kept thinking about how stupid it was of him to go check on her. The rational part of him knew she was safe. He was being absolutely _ridiculous_! His hand landed on her knob with hesitation. Was it really his place to open the door and check on her? They weren't together, yet, and even though he had told her he loved her, and she had technically told him she felt the same, he wasn't sure she would appreciate him sneaking around. He let go of the knob to run his hand through his hair instead, trying to figure out what he should do. He wouldn't find peace going back to bed without seeing she was still breathing, was that reason enough to check up on her? Would she kill him if she knew? _Probably_. Still, his hand landed on the knob again and he slowly turned his wrist, opening the door as quietly as he possibly could. He peaked inside as soon as the door was opened enough for him to stick his head through, seeing the form of her in her bed he felt the pounding of his heart slow down again. The form of his partner was slowly rising and sinking and he let go of a breath he hadn't known he was holding in. He leant his head against the doorframe, watching the woman he'd followed for about three years breathing, alive and well. Suddenly he heard a sniff and he jerked away from the doorframe, about to try and close the door when her voice filled the room.

"Are you okay?"

Before he could move, paralyzed by being caught, her body carefully sat up. He could clearly see she was struggling, probably feeling a strain in her scar.

"Uh-y-yeah," he stuttered.

Through the darkness he thought to see her squinting at him, her hands going through her hair before wiping her face and he heard another sniff.

"Are you?" he questioned back, seeing as she wiped her thumb under her eye after sniffing again.

He could almost swear he saw her biting her lip, see the sparkles of water in her eyes, before she shook her head and looked down.

"No," she breathed out. "I'm guessing you're here because of the same reason I'm awake."

He scratched the back of his head, "Yeah... nightmare." She nodded and patted in front of her on the purple covers. It looked like she was pulling her legs closer to her under the cover, perhaps crossing them, in order to make room for him to sit there without crushing her.

Hesitating for only two seconds before he took the few steps separating him and the spot she invited him to. When he sat down he could see her face more clearly, and even though her hair was roughed by sleep and she didn't have the slightest makeup she had never looked more beautiful. He also noticed the water edging her eyes, the tears she had most probably spilled before he came into her room. It took him by surprise when one of her hands reached for his, tangling their fingers together.

"You want to talk about it?" she asked carefully.

He shrugged his shoulders. "Not much to talk about, it was the shooting but you..." he didn't dare say the words so he just let the sentence die on his tongue.

"Me too, but you were the one... shot," she told him and he hugged her hand, knowing it took her some bravery to actually tell him about it. "I was actually debating whether to go check... on you or not when I heard your footsteps," she admitted. "You suck at sneaking though," she added with a small tease in her tone, probably trying to lighten up their mood.

He chuckled at that, finally feeling at ease after the nightmare he'd woken up from. "Yeah, well, Alexis used to tell me the same thing when she got in her late teens."

Kate joined his chuckle at that, feeling better already with him in her presence. It got her thinking, his presence had always had that effect on her, calming her down. She actually wondered...

"Would you sleep with me?"

It slipped out of her mouth before she could rephrase it and she watched his eyes go wide with confusion as he let out of a 'huh?'.

" _Sleep_ -sleep, I-ah... I... maybe we could... maybe we'd sleep better with company?"

She _hated_ how insecure she sounded, how _vulnerable_ she was, but at the same time she was... _relieved? proud?_...because she was finally allowing herself to be completely open to him.

"I-Okay," Castle agreed and she looked at him with such hope in her hazel eyes he wanted to kiss her.

"Really?" she could hear the shock in her own ears.

He nodded. "Sure, maybe we can finally get some peaceful sleep."

She hummed and moved a little as he raised from the bed. At first he laid as far away from her as he could, which she figured was due to not wanting to make her uncomfortable. That was not how she wanted it, she'd never been a cuddler but she felt the _need_ to be closer to him. And so she carefully moved a bit closer to the middle of the bed before gently grabbing his hand and pulling him closer as she turned her body. He definitely didn't protest but she could also feel the hesitation his body was filled with.

"You're okay with... this?" he breathed out carefully and she hugged his arm to her belly as she let her back meet his chest.

"If it's okay with you?"

Suddenly she felt him pulling her body closer to his and smiled at the warmth her whole being was feeling at that.

"Perfectly okay."

She tangled their fingers at her belly and both of them felt incredibly calm. It didn't take many minutes before the two partners had fallen asleep in each other's embrace.

* * *

When she woke up she still felt his fingers tangled with hers on her belly, none of them had moved during the hours they had slept and she wondered if he had slept as good as she had. She couldn't remember the last time she slept so peacefully, especially not after the shooting. It surprised her just a little when she suddenly felt his arm squeeze her body a bit tighter as he let go of a deep breath into her neck. She couldn't stop the small shiver from going down her back, she felt a warmth creep into her body. She could get used to waking up like this, she couldn't believe she was thinking it but she could _definitely get used to this_.

"Hmm-ey," his sleepy voice was muffled into her neck and she had to bite her lower lip in order not to let out the giggle threatening to bubble to the surface.

"Morning," she said instead, her voice not as sleepy as his even though she hadn't talked since they'd decided to sleep together.

"This's nice," he mumbled and this time she let the giggle out, he sounded so _off_. It was almost as if he was still sleeping, sleep-talking even. "Let me know if is uncomftable," the last words slipped out of his mouth in the most sleepy way her giggle turned into a chuckle.

In response she let her hand hug his tighter and wiggle herself closer into him. In response his nose snuggled into her neck and she felt him breathing in her scent, his exhales tickled her and she couldn't help the reaction of her pulling up her shoulders in order to protect her neck. When he started chuckling her shoulders went up even further because the tickling was unbearable.

"You're ticklish," he said with a very shocked but still amused tone and she would _kill him_ for knowing that fact. "I never figured you for the ticklish person."

"I'll shoot you if you tell anyone," she threatened and she felt his nose nudge her hair out of he way in order to put his lips close to her ear, so close she could both feel and hear his breathing.

"I won't tell anyone, intentionally," he promised and his sultry whisper had her shivering again.

That had her turning in his arms, placing her back in her bed and planting her eyes on his blues staring back at her. A quick flicker of his eyes to her lips had her heart skipping a beat, her insides flipping with excitement. Their hands were still tangled on her belly and his touch was calming yet exciting. Biting her lip she broke their eye contact.

"We should eat breakfast," she whispered carefully.

"Y-yeah," he agreed, pulling away his hand from hers and drawing back his body in order to get out of the bed.

Her mind was immediately cursing herself for pushing him away, wishing he'd stayed even if she had broken their connection. _Why did she have to ruin every moment they had?_ _Why did she push away the people she loved?_

"You okay?"

She focused her eyes at the sound of his voice and realized she'd been staring at him, most probably with an expression which told him exactly what she was thinking. Feeling her cheeks blush she looked away once again and bit her lip.

"Yeah, just..." she exhaled, inhaled, and continued, "I keep... _ruining_ everything. I can't stop the pattern of pushing... you away," she only whispered the last two words and she felt the bed dip beside her.

Looking up again she saw him leaning closer to her, so close she drew in a quick breath and held it as his nose gently brushed hers. With their eyes locked he carefully, very hesitant in his every small move, leaned the slightest in order to let his lips nudge hers. The simple touch had her letting go of her breath in a relieved sigh, her breath shaking as the electricity travelled from his lips to hers, down her veins. Her belly made a flip she had no idea it could make and when his lips started moving away from hers she couldn't stop her body from following to give him a proper kiss. It was the pulling of her scar that had her ripping her lips away from his, her head bumping back to her pillow with a small expression of pain on her face, her eyes clenched shut.

"Sorry, where does it hurt?" he immediately asked with a smooth voice, his body pulling away to keep some space between them.

"Nowh-my scar," she quickly changed her first reply, having said the lie too many times to count to her father when he'd asked. But he _wasn't_ her father, he _wasn't_ someone she should lie to. She _trusted_ him, with her life. He genuinely wanted to know and she _needed_ to start letting him _in_ , and _not_ push him out.

He hummed and she opened her eyes when she felt his fingers carefully smoothing along her half-naked shoulder, where her pajamas shirt didn't do a great job covering her bare skin. She could almost swear the electricity was real, could almost swear the tingles his touch sent down her skin was real even though she'd only ever heard about those feelings in books.

"How long did the doctors say it would hurt?" he asked with genuine blues searching her hazels.

She didn't even stop the hand when she reached up to set it onto his cheek, her thumb stroking under his eye. _Such a sweet man_.

"They said scars like this one can hurt for a long time, months, maybe a year, depending on weather, how I move my body and such. It will fade though, and it has. It doesn't hurt as bad as it did in the beginning, but it still hurts from time to time." She let go of a small shudder, "I don't look forward to winter though..." her voice faded and only when he gave her a questioning look she explained what she'd meant. "The cold will most probably make it hurt more. It'll feel stiff and just plain cold."

"Ah," he nodded, understanding her not looking forward to those particular parts of winter.

As if it weren't enough that she lost her mother during the winter, just after Christmas, now she would also have a physical scar that would remind her of everything she'd have to go through.

"If it'll help I can keep you warm?"

She felt her lips pull up a little, feeling the warmth already filling her chest with the knowledge of him wanting to keep her warm during the cold season awaiting her.

"That'd be great," she nodded, her voice careful but hopeful.

"Then it's a deal, I'll keep you warm in the winter."

She wrinkled her forehead a little, "What do you get out of it?" she asked carefully.

He only grinned and leaned down to kiss her lips again, his sudden touch having her wishing for more. "I get to cuddle with you," he said when he left her lips again and she felt her cheeks get even hotter than before. "Come on, let's go have breakfast," he raised from the bed again and reached out his hand for her to take.

Once their palms kissed he gently pulled her up, careful not to hurt her any more than she already had in the minutes before. As soon as she was up on her feet she tangled their fingers together and hand in hand they walked to the kitchen, and after some persuasion Castle had managed to convince her to let him make the food. He made a delicious breakfast too, Kate couldn't deny that, and she was already planning on how to make sure he would stay and continue making it every day. She was still not completely sure he would stay, would _want_ to stay. She _had_ hurt him and he still shouldn't be with her, it could still be _dangerous for god's sake!_ When they were done with eating she wasn't really surprised to hear her phone calling from her room and she excused herself to go answer. Reaching her phone she smiled at the screen, putting it to her ear.

"Hi dad."

"Katie! I'm just calling to check in. I mean, I know you don't like being watched over but I... I'm still your dad," her dad's voice said through the phone. "You're still my little girl."

Kate rolled her eyes with a smile on her face, for some reason she wasn't as upset as she should've been. Quite the opposite in fact, she was actually glad her dad had called.

"It's okay dad, but you don't have to worry anymore, I'm not alone," she said with a lightness in her voice she wasn't sure he'd heard in quite some time.

There was a small silence, a few minutes, before she could hear her dad opening his mouth again, this time she could definitely imagine the grin he most likely had plastered on his face.

"You called him?"

"Yeah, I did. And he came," she only whispered the last part. "Without hesitation he came to keep me company. He doesn't hate me," she couldn't really understand how she was so easily telling her dad these things but for some reason she just wanted to let it out. It felt good to say it out loud.

"Told you so," her dad said and she rolled her eyes, started moving back towards the living area where she supposed the writer was.

"I know, I know." She was met with the scenery of the writer snooping around again. He turned around at the sound of her voice and gave her a lopsided grin. "So, how's work going?"

She heard her dad chuckle through the phone as she leaned towards the doorframe, squinting her eyes towards Castle who just ignored her and continued snooping through the pictures and frames around the room.

"Work's going good, Katie, I was more concerned about you and how it was going for you, but knowing Castle's there I know you won't overdo yourself."

"I wouldn't..."

"You would, I know you. You're as stubborn as your mom was. Did we ever tell you about the time she broke her arm only to have it heal and then break again?"

"No," Kate said and she listened to his story up until she was suddenly alerted by the book Castle was pulling out from one of the shelves. "Castle! Don't you _dare_ open that!" she called out, startling the writer with her harsh tone so that he almost dropped the photo album he'd stumbled across.

"What's going on?" her dad cut off himself when hearing her outburst.

"He just found that damn photo album you keep laying out," she accused him while walking towards the writer to take the said album from him.

Before she could, though, the writer immediately circled the table in order to keep her out of reach. _Oh no_.

" _Castle_ ," she said in a warning tone but he only smirked as he continued circling out of her reach and started opening the book. " _Give me that!_ " she ordered and she heard her dad laugh at the other end.

" _Whoa!_ Is this _you?!_ "

She heard her dad laughing even harder now, probably having heard the writer's outburst and she groaned. "Daad! That's _not_ helping."

"What? You are absolutely _adorable_ in those pictures," he laughed, defending himself the same way he had every time she brought up the need to get rid of those pictures.

Castle was so enchanted by the pictures he actually froze in his try to keep her out of reach and so she seized the moment to snatch the album away from him.

"Hey! I was looking!" he complained immediately and she narrowed her eyes on him.

"Oh come on, let him look, Katie."

Kate turned back to her phone, " _No!_ You have no saying in this. If anything I should burn them."

"NO!"

The two men called out at the same time and she sighed harshly with a clenched jaw. _Why did she even think modeling would be a good idea?!_

"Come on, Kate, _please_ let me see them, _please_ ," Castle pleaded, his hands tangled together in front of him and his lower lip out in a pout.

"No."

Her voice was stern and she held the album close to her chest, looking at him with determination.

"Katie?" She turned back her attention to the man on the phone. "I need to go, work's calling. _Show_ _him,_ I'll talk to you later. Call when he leaves so I know when to start checking up on you. Love you."

"Love you too," she replied before they hung up.

Turning back to the writer he was still pouting with his hands in a begging pose.

"No!" she said louder and tightened her grip on the album when he carefully moved around the couch which had been in between them while they tried to keep the album out of reach from one another. As he got closer, careful not to reach for the album, he placed his hands on her hips and leaned even closer. "Wh-what are you doing?" she stuttered, his scent already infiltrating her brain and making her all dizzy.

For a second she thought he was aiming for her lips, and she wasn't sure she should let him, but without any real warning he dipped his head in a quick move to connect his lips to her neck. She couldn't stop the gasp from escaping her lips when the electricity transferring from his lips shot down her veins. His lips opened and closed in a kissing matter and _shit_ that felt good. He managed to pull a moan from her throat and he moved his lips in order to suck at her pulse, making her knees go weak... along with the arm that had been tightly holding the album. The same album he now _yanked_ out of her grip without her noticing until it was too late.


	4. Chapter 4

"Fuck you, Castle! Open up! Give me back that damn album!" she pounded on the bathroom door, the same bathroom door he'd locked and now hid behind as she could hear him looking through the photos by the sound of pages turning.

"But you are _so cute_ ," his voice rumbled from the other side of the door. "Seriously Kate, I had no idea you were a model."

She groaned. "It was a _summer_. _One stupid summer,_ ok?" She growled as she rested her back against the door and slowly slid down.

"One _amazing_ summer, you mean," his voice was muffled through the door and being down at butt-level she suddenly realized he was sitting down as well.

She groaned again, bumping her head back into the door.

"Kate?"

"Yeah..?"

"Are you annoyed with me?"

She sighed. "Am I not always annoyed with you?"

His chuckle had her lips pull up even though she knew she shouldn't feel the least bit happy about him looking at the pictures taken of her in various clothes and poses. _Urgh_. Without any warning the door suddenly opened and she fell backwards to the floor.

"Ouch!" she curved into a ball at the sudden pull on her scar.

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry! Are you hurt?" He quickly changed his choice of words. "Stupid question, can I help?"

She just shook her head, biting her lip as she tried to take calming breath against the small pain. His hands were carefully touching her shoulder, probably in a try to comfort her and, she didn't know why or how, but his touch actually helped.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think you were actually leaning on the door," his voice was gentle and filled with regret.

"Is okay," she told on an exhale.

She was carefully starting to get up but didn't get far before his arms went underneath hers in order to lift her up. The second she was on her feet he moved his arms but kept one around her to keep her steady. She couldn't resist thanking him by kissing his cheek.

"You're still cute though," he smirked and she rolled her eyes.

"And you're still annoying."

He stuck his tongue out and she gave him a look, but after his lips came crashing on hers without hesitation she couldn't stop the smile his kiss left behind once he pulled apart. He let go of her for enough time to pick up the album he'd let land on the floor the second she'd fallen inside the bathroom. She was quick to snatch the photo album back into her arms and sighed when he gave her those blue puppy eyes he had every time she tried to close him off from a case.

"I thought modeling would give me more money than waitressing." She gave her story while setting her pace towards the couch.

He obediently followed her like the shadow he had started out to be and sat down beside her, his arms open in invitation. She didn't even hesitate this time, just leaned into him with her back to his chest and felt comfortable when his arms went around her. She opened the photo album on page one and started telling him about all the different jobs she'd done that summer. Where she'd been, what she'd been posing as and why. She surprised herself by telling him the not so fancy lifestyle of a model as well, or at least the parts she'd experienced. She also told him Mathilda King had been shocked when she'd said no to continue her modeling career, no one had ever said no to Mathilda. Castle sat amused, listened to the softened version of the homicide detective. Right there, in his arms, she was more Kate than he'd really ever seen her. And he couldn't help but fall in love with her all over again.

* * *

Castle had to go home again a couple days later, much to both of their misery, and Kate didn't let him go before giving him a kiss goodbye. A kiss that might've turned into a make-out session with his body covering hers against the wall of the house. It might also have been her scar, _that damn scar_ , that had them pulling apart. The first thing she did when she couldn't see his car anymore was call her dad, telling him the writer had left due to needing to get home again. Her dad did, of course, offer to come back but she insisted she would be able to take care of herself. Besides, she'd promised Castle she'd talk to him at least once a day, and he'd said that if she needed anything at all he'd be there in a couple hours. They decided to talk every night, that way the last thing they heard would be each other's voices, obviously _his_ idea. But honestly she could swear she was sleeping better and, even though she would deny if asked, she had a feeling it was because she always fell asleep with his voice or breathing in her ear. He had even started reading the latest Nikki Heat for her, the one that hadn't come out yet, and she'd been excited when he suggested it. Too excited for her own good according to herself but she could definitely hear he was as excited as she was.

"'She rolled Rook over the back of the sofa and landed on top of him. He reached behind her, drawing her by the small of her back to him. She pressed forward, going with him. Then Nikki rose onto her knees and began to unbuckle his belt. And then it was all about breathlessness again.' You know, it's kind of... embarrassing reading this out loud," he said one night and she could almost hear the blush that was painting his cheeks.

Kate felt the same blush on her cheeks because she could so well picture it, the two of them nabbing only to kiss and make up due to the lust they felt for each other, and yeah, it was embarrassing. Especially so that he was reading it for her in person, and not through an audio book she might own. She had bought the first book he recorded himself and the second after that. Of course she also owned that Nikki Heat audio book he'd recorded, she'd had to hear how he would read the first Heat book with his own voice. It had become so sultry when he came to page 105 and she had felt things she'd nev...

"You still there?" his voice suddenly interrupted her thoughts. "Don't tell me I failed that scene so badly you actually fell asleep." His voice was a mix between a groan and a mumble.

"Huh, no! No, I didn't fall asleep! I just... tried to... not make it a. Big. Deal," she paused between the three last words, not really sure what to say.

Truth was she'd tried her best to control her breathing, tried not to think too much of how badly she wanted him to be there, with her, like Rook was there with Nikki.

"Ah, then maybe I shouldn't have said something," he grumbled with a light, panicked chuckle.

"No, ah, I agree. It's a little... awkward," she confessed. Suddenly she thought about what Natalie Rhodes had said, how Castle by writing those scenes was verbally masturbating. _God, that sounded weird_.

"Verbally masturbating?!" his squeaky voice had her snapping back to the present and _shit,_ did she say that out loud? "Natalie Rhodes said that? Why would she say that?"

He kept rambling things similar to the first question, panic evident in his voice and she cursed herself in her mind for opening her mouth about it.

"Chill Castle! Don't worry about it, I mean it's not like I didn't think about us when I read the book."

It slipped out _way_ before she could stop herself. She hadn't _meant_ to tell him that. _He shouldn't know that_. But now he did. _Damnit!_

"You..." he gulped, "imagine us?"

"Fuck," she breathed out before answering, "Yes, yes, I imagine us, Castle. It's not like _you_ didn't, they're obviously based on us. Everyone who knows _us_ probably see them as us. I know Lanie interrogated me for the details that weren't there."

"Oh, that's true." He sighed on the other end. "Espo and Ryan came at me too, especially after the Nikki-case."

She wrinkled her forehead in thought. "Which Nikki-case?"

"When I slept on your couch, apparently, according to them, _pancakes_ are a way of saying 'thank you so much for last night' and not the breakfast I was just intending to make you." He tried imitating Espo and she would've chuckled at the failed attempt if it hadn't been for the topic. "They, just like Lanie, wanted me to give them details. Said I, as a witness, refused to cooperate since I said there wasn't any." He grumbled the last part and she had to sit up in her bed in order to calm her breathing.

"I will kill them," she hissed, tried to keep the anger at bay.

"Don't tell them I told you," he whined and she peaked at that.

"Why?"

"They will mock me for being a tattletale until I die."

She thought about it for a moment. Killing them would make it impossible for them to actually live to mock him, but she knew she wouldn't _actually_ kill them so she guessed he was right.

"Fine, I won't."

There was a silence for a moment. None of them really knowing how to move on after that kind of talk. What had they even talked about? They had pretty much both admitted to seeing themselves as Rook and Nikki, even in the intimate moments. They hadn't actually said it but Kate knew she wanted those same moments to be real, and she wondered if he felt the same. Most probably he did or else he probably wouldn't have written them, _or_ kissed her when he had stayed over. She opened her mouth at that thought, but didn't exactly bring up the intimate topic again.

"When do you want to come visit again?"

He immediately jumped at the new topic with a relieved tone in his voice. "I would love to come out tomorrow! I mean, I need to do some writing but really, I can write from anywhere as long as I bring my laptop."

She smiled at that. He was willing to leave his loft and his office to come visit her even though he would need to spend some of that time working. He wanted her company as much as she wanted his no matter what they would end up doing.

"That'd be great, and you can stay for as long as you like," she added quickly.

If it were up to her she'd have him stay the rest of the summer, but she knew it was up to him. And she still wasn't sure how he could forgive her so easily. After all, she _did_ lie to him and therefore hurt him by leaving him for two whole months.

"Though, I understand if you can only stay a day or two," she whispered, afraid to put it out there but at the same time needing to get it out. She wanted to be prepared in case he would only stay for a short while.

"Oh, don't worry about that, I'll stay till you kick me out," he said, most likely with a smug grin on his face.

"Good," she whispered, a smile of her own sneaking itself onto her lips.

There was a small pause in their talk and Kate laid down again, shuffled around till the covers were around her and she felt comfortable.

"I so wish I could kiss you right now," he whispered and for a second she wondered if he'd really meant to say that out loud. Didn't matter, she wished that too.

"Then kiss me tomorrow." Her voice was small, but the words were confident. She meant it. She wanted him to kiss her again, wanted to feel his tongue dance with hers. A yawn escaped her mouth before she had even known it was coming and she excused herself.

He only chuckled at that. "Perhaps we should hang up, you're tired."

Stubborn she shook her head, only to realize her eyes were closed, and the fact that he couldn't see her entered her mind. "No, I want you." Her voice was only a mumble now, _how did she get tired so fast?_ To her small surprise, or as surprised she could get in the tired state, he started reading again and it didn't take long before she was pulled into sleep.

* * *

Waking up the next day Kate was surprised to see the time was 11:30am. _She'd slept for ten straight hours?!_ Or at least that was what she supposed she had. Castle and her had talked from around 9pm and she knew the last time she checked the clock it had been around 12am. A knock on her door had her sitting straight up, wide awake in a second, and it took her another two seconds before she had jumped out of the bed, reaching for the knife she'd hidden in her night table. Carefully she tiptoed out of her bedroom, knife in a firm grip.

"Kate? It's just me," a voice went through her door and she immediately relaxed.

She went to the door and unlocked it before she tugged it open with the knife held high.

"You shouldn't sneak up on me like that," she accused and he looked at her with an amused expression.

"Sorry, couldn't sleep much longer and figured calling you would only wake you up," he shrugged his shoulders. She rolled her eyes, put down the knife on a nearby bureau, but was indeed thankful he's thought of her. "That's an adorable pj by the way," he smirked and she looked down. "You didn't wear that one last I was here."

"Fuck," she hissed as she turned around to escape back to her bedroom. Before she could take many steps though, his arm sneaked around her waist and pulled her back to him. His mouth landed right behind her ear, his lips nudging her.

"No, don't run, I haven't even kissed you yet," he nibbled at her ear and she felt a shiver go down her spine.

The tingles going down her veins had her forgetting about the oversized, purple unicorn shirt she had on. She relaxed in his arms and didn't hesitate when he moved his hands to turn her around to him. His lips brushed her cheek before they claimed hers in a passioned kiss. She hadn't realized how much his words had gotten to her the night before as she melted into the way his tongue stroked hers. When she pushed herself closer to him he started grinning, which had their lips pulling apart.

"What?" she groaned, not wanting to stop.

"I just love how unguarded you are, I can kiss you without getting shot," he said and winced at the poor choice of words the minute he saw the small pull downwards of her mouth. "Sorry."

"No, it's... it's fine," she shook her head. She was carefully pulling away from him, moving towards her bedroom and was surprised when she got there and turned to close the door but found him right on her track.

"Don't close up again, please," his voice was low, smooth, pleading, and she clenched her eyes shut. _Again_.

"I wasn't... I need to change," she searched his eyes and saw them flick quickly down to her pj-shirt.

"Oh."

Shaking her head she stood on her toes to kiss him again. "No, I'm sorry. I might've... tried to escape a little. I don't mean to, I swear I don't mean to." Her voice was carefully breaking as she couldn't stop but think back to those months she'd avoided him, she'd closed herself off from him, hurt him. "It's habit, to close myself off, to don't let people in." She took a deep breath. "Sorry."

His hand cupped her chin carefully, thumb smoothing over her cheek as he leaned closer to kiss her lips again. _God, she couldn't get enough of those lips_. "I won't let you kick me out," he said with a determined voice and she smiled small with a grateful glimpse in her eyes. "But I will let you change," he added and let go of her to turn away.

Just like he'd stopped her before she stopped him now, though she decided to reach for his hand rather than his waist. He gave her a questioning look and she bit her lower lip at the need to keep him close.

"You can stay, sit on my bed," she suggested and he got a puzzled look before he eventually nodded and followed her to the bed.

He sat down and automatically put his hands over his eyes, to show her quite literally that he wasn't looking. _Sweet man_. She bent down to quickly graze her lips to his cheek before she pulled away to select the clothes she was planning on wearing that day. She plucked out the white shirt and the ripped jeans but suddenly hesitated. A thought rippled through her head and she was covering her smirk with her hand as she glanced back to make sure he wasn't peeking. The second she was sure of it she crossed her room to pick up the clothe she'd hung over her chair only a couple days before. It didn't take long for her to change out of her pj completely, considering she'd only had that shirt and panties on before, and picked up her towel to wrap it around her body, being thorough to cover her scar. She tugged one of the ends under the towel so it could stay up without her having to hold it with her hands.

"You know, I forgot to tell you to get a pair of swimming trunks but if you feel uncomfortable in your boxers my dad has some, newly washed, trunks in his third drawer in his room." Her voice, or perhaps more her words, had his hands fall down and his eyes opening with shock. The shock only increased by the sight of her in her in only a towel.

"Huh?" was his only response and she fought the chuckle, settled with a smile.

"Swimming trunks, third drawer in my dad's room, that way." She pointed towards where he'd find the bedroom. "You're welcome to borrow or just use your own underwear. I'll be out, in the lake." And so she turned and strolled out of her bedroom, hoping he wouldn't get too caught up with what she was doing.

Castle was frozen. _What the hell just happened?_ It took him about three minutes before he realized she would be waiting for him. In the lake. _With only a bathing suit_. He jumped up from her bed and immediately went into her father's room, he wasn't planning on borrowing the man's swimming trunks but he figured it was a good space to undress. He decided his own boxers would do just fine, he'd been lucky enough to choose one of those he had which he'd actually swum in before in the Hamptons. He did, however, pick up a towel he found which would suit for after they'd gotten out of the water. Getting out on the porch he froze again. Kate Beckett, the woman he'd shadowed and fallen in love with over the past three and a half years, was in the lake. Standing with her face up to the sun, her hair was wet and her back to him, he could see the water was up to her shoulders. Smiling he slowly set his steps to the beautiful lake and the woman in it.

Kate was fighting with herself in her mind. One part of her was telling her how incredibly _stupid_ this was, that she shouldn't expose herself the way she was about to, scars and all. Another part was telling her to woman up, to show him another part of herself that she was reluctant to. The way the sun was warming her face and she had closed her eyes to soak it all in, tripping the line between regret and determination. The part of her that wanted to retreat was piling up reasons for her to turn around and try to hide from the man she loved, the man who loved her, but before those reasons could open her eyes and take her away from there, she heard the triple of the water breaking behind her. _No turning back_. Taking a deep breath she chose not to open her eyes just yet.

"Took you long enough," she said as she felt the waves from his moving body coming closer.

He stopped moving and so she took another deep breath before she opened her eyes and turned around to look at him. To her surprise he looked insecure, unsure of what to do and, if she read his blues right, how close he was allowed. She let her tongue run over her lower lip as she tried gathering courage. She was actually glad the lake's water was a dark color and therefore not see-through, which meant her scar was not in sight. With a small shaky breath she reached out her hand above the water with her palm up, waiting for him to take a hold of it before she tugged him closer. Slowly he walked closer but stopped before their bodies could touch.

"I was thinking," she revealed when he didn't say anything. "I know it's not going to be easy, there's going to be days when I just... I just want to crawl inside myself and hide." She took a breath. "It's been this way since I lost mom, I never wanted to hurt like that again and I-ah, figured that if I didn't let anyone close enough they wouldn't hurt me."

"But, thinking like that, you would never find love either," he muttered and she hummed.

"I'd never find the magic I read about in books, I know," she clenched her lips, biting her inner cheek as she tried to hold back the tears. "I want..." she sighed. "I want you to not give up on me, but I also don't want you anywhere close... what if they come back? What if they... kill you," she took a shuddering breath. "Like they killed my mom? Killed Montgomery."

"Hey, shhh," he let his hand, the one not tangling with her fingers, reach up to lightly stroke her cheek. "I know there's no promising they won't. _But_ I will not leave you. I won't let you push me away. I love you, Kate, and I promise to stay with you no matter what." His blue eyes were boring into hers with determination.

She felt a tear leave her eye as she flickered her eyes down before they looked up into his eyes again. "I don't deserve you."

She could see he fought not to roll his eyes at her statement. " _Yes_ , you do. You're extraordinary, if anything I'm the one not deserving you." Before she could open her mouth to protest he took the opportunity into his own hands to lean down and press his lips on hers, pushing his tongue into her mouth. The protest on the tip of her tongue was wiped away with the stroke of his, the immediate dizziness that took over her mind when his taste was all she could sense. Once they broke of her breath was shuddering, trying to regain her calm.

"God, I love you, Rick," she panted. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Kate smiled at that, kissed him again before she quite carefully moved their tangled hands towards the scar in her chest, letting him see and touch the scar. Of course he insisted on kissing it, telling her she's so beautiful, that she's incredibly strong and shouldn't feel the need to hide it, shouldn't be ashamed of it. He told her how glad he was it had become a scar and not been the end of her life. She again told him she was sorry for lying to him, sorry for causing him pain. He told her it was okay now. He told her she would have her whole life to make it up to him, and he would have his whole life to make sure she knew exactly how much he loved her back. They'd make it. They'd go through the summer together, heal together and, once they were back to New York City, they would solve crime together. They would be partners in crime, and in life. Till death made them part.

* * *

 _THE END_

* * *

 _A/N: Thank you all for reading and I hope you're not too unsatisfied with how I ended it, felt like I snaked away from the prompt a little but couldn't find it in myself to delete some parts, so this is the outcome. Anyway, hope you enjoyed and thank you for all your reviews/likes/follows/etc. Love you all! Till next time xxx_


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